Something you ought to Know
by ArchArtistWriter
Summary: What is it that Dumbledore is going to tell Harry in the Fifth book (although, perhaps it should be, what should Dumbledore have actually said in the fifth Book)? This is a SATIRE, people. *grins*
1. Default Chapter

When things begin to get a little ridiculous, I start doing these silly satires. So many people are coming up with ridiculous stuff that Dumbledore might tell Harry, that I decided to come up with a few of my own.  
  
*  
  
The First:  
  
"Harry," Dumbledore started gravely, blue eyes grim over half moon spectacles, "there is something you ought to know that I should have told you a while ago."  
  
Harry swallowed. He was listening.  
  
"I've loved you," Dumbledore went on, eyes glistening with tears, "as I would my own son.... but... I'm hoping we could be so much *more* than that...  
  
"You see," the man continued, "Ever since you put on that ridiculous Sorting Hat, I've loved you, harbouring my secret desire since. I've dreamed about you. I've masturbated with you in my thoughts. I want you so much, Harry. So, so much. I want us to be more than friends. I want us to be lovers." He walked round his table and got on one knee before Harry who tried to inch backwards.  
  
Dumbledore clasped his hand.  
  
"Love me Harry!" He whispered, kissing the boy's hands. "Love me until I come bursting forth in thick streams of semen. Let me make love to you, Harry. I know I'm old enough to be your great-granfather, but our love can conquer all!"  
  
"Eheh," Harry attempted a small smile.  
  
"Can you feel it? Can you feel the love? Just as I loved the father, so I shall love the son..."  
  
At this, Harry leapt up and ran for the door to go and bury himself in his Godfather's arms. Dumbledore was left all alone in his circular office, empty arms cradling an invisible bowl.  
  
He would get the boy to love him.  
  
Someday, no matter what it took.  
  
Harry's invisibilty cloak was there by his side. Picking it up, Dumbledore smelled it and sighed happily, wiping away tears of lust and disappointment.  
  
Nodding to himself, he took a handful of Viagra and stuffed the cloak down his pants.  
  
*  
  
TBC... 


	2. 2

I kinda thought it was funny... this one is more to take the piss outta those fics out there that... well... I think you'll get what I'm alking about.  
  
The Second:  
  
Dumbledore lowered his hands and surveyed Harry through his half-moon glasses. "It is time," he said, "for me to tell you what I should have told you five years ago, Harry--"  
  
"Err, sir?" Sexy Harry Potter began, "You just told me..."  
  
There was a wise looking pause.  
  
"What did I say?" The old man said gently, clasping hands underneath his chin which was somewhere under that wretched beard of his. Harry sudenly felt the insane urge again. He wanted to get out the electric razor and *shave* the damn thing off.... *shave* it *shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave* it *SHAAAAAAAAAAAAVE* it off.... "You can tell me Harry."  
  
"About the prophecy," the urge disappeared.  
  
"Ah, yes, but there's something else I have to tell you that I should have told you two squared plus one years ago..."  
  
Sexy Harry Potter nodded slowly. "Yeeeeeeess...?"  
  
"Just be patient, and I shall tell you what I should have told you half a decade ago." Dumbledore removed his glasses, folded them and lay them upon the table. He looked as if he were thinking for a moment. He then unfolded the glasses and put them back on. "Harry," he said, looking through his spectacles which were - by the way - half-moon ones. "I am now going to tell you what I should have told you two minutes ago."  
  
"OK."  
  
"You're a Snape, Harry."  
  
Sexy Harry Potter gasped. "I'm a what?"  
  
"You are the son of Severus Phillipus Derigible-us PotionsRusus Bastardus Snape." Dumbledore went on gravely.  
  
"Oh no!" Sexy Harry Potter raised his hand to his forehead.  
  
"Oh yes," Dumbledore nodded, slightly less gravely than before. "You know what you have to do, now, don't you?"  
  
"Yes, I must grow my hair extra long in a night, apply non-liberal amounts of hair grease to it, join the house of Slytherin, discover that there's more to Draco Malfoy than I ever thought before and get on with some father- son bonding over a stewing mess in a cauldron." He took in a deep breath. "I will also realise why Severus Philipus Derigible-us PotionsRusus Bastardus Snape hates me so much and will remain broken-hearted when he refuses to acknowledge me as his son."  
  
"Excellent, Harry," Dumbledore nodded, even less gravely than ever.  
  
Sexy Hary Potter nodded.  
  
"There's also something else I must tell you," Dumbledore said. "You're a woman, Harry."  
  
"I'm a what?!"  
  
"A woman, and a thumpin' good one as well, once we got you ponced up a bit," and Harry swore that Dumbledore gave him a sly wink.  
  
"What will my Father say?"  
  
At that moment, Severus Philipus Derigible-us PotionsRusus Bastardus Snape appeared throught he door. "He'll say that he's never been so happy in his life!" He announced "And that he'll never renounce you again and that he loves you just the way you are!"  
  
With that, Harry rushed into his father's arms.  
  
And the hateful music swelled.  
  
~  
  
You know, I wasn't even going to put up anymore, but your reviews persuaded me too. 


	3. 3

The Third  
  
Dumbledore lowered his hands and surveyed Harry through his half-moon glasses. "It is time," he said, "for me to tell you what I should have told you five years ago, Harry--"  
  
"Erm, yes sir?" Harry said nervously, flattening his fringe for no apparent reason and squirming like an overheated Longbottom in a dark and bubbling Potions Class. He wasn't feeling angry at all, for some strange reason, despite the fact that he'd been dragged here kicking and screaming, shouting "It's not Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix! It's Harry Potter and the Everlasting Temper Tantrum!"  
  
"Hold on, excuse me for a moment while I go to the WC."  
  
"Okay, sir."  
  
A minute passed.  
  
"Thank you," Dumbledore said. "Now then, I was going to tell you something wasn't I?"  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
Dumbledore nodded. "Well, for starters, you're a complete berk and I want nothing more to do with you."  
  
Harry Potter began to sweat profusely. Why was this happening to him?  
  
"Secondly, I shall throw you to the will of Voldemort for my own reasons, as I am all-wise and all-knowing, however blasphemous that may seem, for it is true."  
  
Harry Potter began to sweat even more profusely.  
  
"He shall rape you and I shall laugh over my pretty pink fluffy pens before arriving with a magic poof who I will then invite to dinner."  
  
"Not the fluffy pens! Not the poof!" Harry stumbled upwards, knocking over the chair he was sitting on, the clumsy oaf. "How could you?"  
  
Harry Potter was sweating heavily, now.  
  
"Oh yes!" Dumbledore said, "to see whether you fell anything which would mean that you are still human, I shall bring my nipple-pincers as well!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harry Potter screamed, struggling to get to the door.  
  
"Oh yes!" Dumbledore stood up, blue eyes flashing. "Concordantly... visa vi... ergo... Yes, visa vi, ergo... I shall sell you to the Malfoys and Professor Snape!"  
  
"Aaaaaaaargh!" Harry tried to break out of the room. He had had enough! In a blind temper tantrum, reminiscent of a two year old in the sweetie aisle of Sainsbury's, he ripped off all the silver instruments from the top of the mantelpieces and roared out his rage like a mighty, male, lustful lion seeking a mate.  
  
"Oh yes!" Dumbledore continued, "and to top it all, I shall poison your wretched godfather whom I hate also!"  
  
That finally made the Wonder boy snap.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Well, I never!" Said one of the portraits, for suddenly, Harry had turned into...  
  
...The Hulk!  
  
"HULK SMAAAAAAAAAAASH!" Harry the Hulk roared, green biceps bulging, torn robes fluttering as he moved. "HULK DESTWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY!"  
  
Suddenly, from the doors, windows, floors and ceilings, from helicopters and aeropads, cameramen came upon the scene. A grey-haired, orange skinned man came along with a large microphone. Climbing on a ladder to reach Harry the Hulk, he raised up Harry the Hulk's arm and took a large sniff at his armpit.  
  
"Now that's one fresh pit!" He announced in a fake, middle-American accent, "for 24-hour lasting deoderant protection, remember to take SURE for men!"  
  
They all cheered.  
  
And the hateful music swelled.  
  
~  
  
I love those adverts. 


	4. 4

Please don't ask. I was inspired by having read Anne Rice and Clive Barker within a week of each other. Children, DO NOT DO IT! IT IS BAD AND SICK AND WRONG! YOU WILL NEVER RECOVER! YOU WILL END UP JUST LIKE ME!  
  
~  
  
The sequel to the First.  
  
Yes indeed, he would get the boy to love him, no matter what it took.  
  
Taking in a deep breath, Dumbledore stood up before the students, ready to say something of his usual, beginning of term speech. He kept his eyes looking straight ahead, keeping Harry in the corner of his eyes. Ah... such youth. It was his to corrupt.  
  
*  
  
Anne Greogorio nudged her friend. They were very nervous. They were newly sorted Gryffindors and each looked up at Dumbledore in awe.  
  
"He's such a great man," Anne whispered. "I wonder what he thinks of?"  
  
*  
  
-Inside Dumbledore's mind-  
  
He was supreme. Dressed in tight black leather boxers, with a long black leather trenchcoat, fingerless, black leather gloves and a belt wrapped around his torso and waist. He was...  
  
EL DIABLO!!!  
  
He stepped into the dungeon and cracked his whip. The whimpering sound that had echoed throughout the room had stopped. He licked his ever-dry lips in anticiiiiiiiiii-PA-tion!  
  
"Professor Dumbledore!" Said a low, husky voice. He turned to face a boy, strung from the ceiling, attached to the floor. It was Harry Potter. All those hours of Quidditch practises sure had paid off! Harry had a glorious pale tan (though how he'd be able to get it beneath those Quidditch robes, we'll never know... unless... NUDE QUIDDITCH! *claps* I'm a genius!) and his impish green eyes sparkled in the dim light.  
  
With a single flap, Dumbledore dropped his leather trenchcoat revealing the wrap around belt thing that had all manner of whips tucked into it.  
  
Then suddenly...  
  
The GROOVY music swelled!  
  
"You!" Dumbledore pointed. "I wanna take you to a GAY BAR. I wanna take you to a GAY BAR! I wanna take you to a GAY BAR, GAY BAR, GAY BAR."  
  
At that moment, Sirius, Lupin, Snape, Mr. weasly, Bill, Charlie, Lucius Malfoy and several Deatheaters appeared from behind the curtain that had mysteriously appeared, each similarly attired and clapping along, gazing admiringly at each other's crotches.  
  
"You're a superstar!" They squealed, "at the GAY BAR! You're a superstar! At the GAY BAR, GAY BAR, GAY BAR!"  
  
Snape and Lucius Malfoy proceeded to perform their baton twirling techniques and Remus licked his nipple. The Deatheaters began to hug and caress their imaginary breasts, howling away. Harry Potter's cute ass began to bounce along to the beat.  
  
Suddenly, the music changed and Dumbledore opened his mouth and said...  
  
"I see you baby! Shaking that ass! Shaking that ass! Shaking that ass! I see you baby!---" And so he continued, his 'dancers' proceeding to heavily pet each other and blow kisses at Harry.  
  
*  
  
Anne Gregorio sighed. "I guess we'll never know..."  
  
Dumbledore cleared his throat, knowing that the Invisibility cloak tucked tightly against his shrivelled penis, would never be the same again.  
  
~  
  
Umm... lyrics belong to Electric 6 and whoever that other diva was, I dunno her name.  
  
TBC  
  
Stay tuned for the arrival of SIRIUS! (Dun dun DUUUUUUUUUUUUUNH!!!) 


End file.
